Hellos and Goodbyes, Two

When we got home this morning, we talked and ate and drank tea for about an hour. It was my boyfriend, my father, my mother, my dog, and me. It was a sad conversation but at the same time it was hardly much of a conversation. We let my mother speak. We let her tell all the stories she wanted to tell and it was beautiful. Then I went to my room with my boyfriend and we went to sleep.

I woke up at 1:30pm. By this time my sister was over the house, and my mother had received flowers and edible arrangements from friends. But, I was not aware that I was about to give her one of the best news that she could hear. I dreamt of my abuela last night. When we dream of loved ones and it is after they pass, in my family we take it as they are coming to say their personal goodbye to you in your sleep. She was beautiful. Her face looked just like I remembered. She was always a kind, peaceful woman who did not seem to let much stress get to her, ever. She was sitting in a white chair. It looked like a garden chair or something like that. It was bright and sunny and there was a beautiful glow on her. She was atop green, green grass with what looked like a version of her old backyard around her. I began to ask her questions such as “how are you” “where are you now?” all sorts of questions but she didn’t answer. Instead, she just smiled at me. Not with her teeth. But a gracious smile, as if to let me know she is at peace now.

I went and told this to my mother and sister. Now, we have mass cards my mother took from Colombia with my Abuela’s picture on it, but I told my mom as I was telling her my dream, “but she wasn’t wearing that.” I then went on to describe a different outfit to her. My mother looked slightly shocked. “Michael, you’re describing what we buried her in!” she began to tear and said “She came to visit you first and I have to call and tell my sister!” 

I don’t know why she came to me first, but I am grateful. I feel that now she is at peace. And that puts my myself, and my mother more at peace. 

Hellos and Goodbyes

My abuela, my mothers mother, passed away on Sunday, the 17th of February. We were at a birthday celebration for my father, even though his birthday was two weeks before we never had a formal occasion due to the weather. So, we were all there and me and my cousins, and our girlfriends/boyfriends decided to go for a walk. Upon entering the house one more, I saw my mother with her head in her hands at the table upstairs, with my aunt standing next to her with a hand on her shoulder. Immediately, I didn’t know what to think and then she looked at me and said, “Michael, her mother died. I’m so sorry”

Thus began the rollercoaster of emotion. I was strong, I knew I had to be there for my mom first off, but I was so very weak at the same time. We began discussing how we would take a plane together to go to Colombia where she lived with the rest of my mothers family. Everybody in my family meanwhile was now upstairs, saying their condolences and trying to help console my mother. It was then that I looked inside my passport and realized that it was expired and because I got it before I was 18, there was no way I could do a one day renewal. I broke down. I cried harder and louder than I have in a while, most of the tears stemming from the fact that my mother now had to travel alone on this horrible trip, the other sympathy, the rest because I had just lost my grandmother who, even though I only met a handful of times, still felt so close to me. 

She left the next night and I went with her to the airport, along with my father, boyfriend, and best friend. It was the hardest goodbye, and definitely the most emotional one too. We talked every night until today, Sunday the 24th. She arrived this morning at 4 AM from the airport and got out around 5:30 after customs etc… Seeing her was the greatest thing ever.

Though, it was then that I realized what is still weighing heavy on my chest. She went to Colombia about a month ago for a week, to see her family, to see my grandmother who was in the hospital, etc… and she came back okay. She came back happy. My grandmother was doing alright, in a more stable condition. Within a month she progressed from bad to worse. Kidney failure. Blood transfusions. Infection. All due to high blood pressure. But I digress, what I realized this morning was that my mother was not okay this time. I don’t know why but  I thought she’d go and she’ll come back happy and more at peace with everything. Then the cold facts really sunk in. My mother has lost her mother. This was no regular loss. She has laryngitis now and I hear not the physical, but the emotional pain in her voice. I listen to her tell the stories of everything back in Colombia from her family members and I hear the pain. I hear the regret of not going to see them or my abuela enough. She is worn down, and tired. It is the most difficult thing because for twenty years she has been strong and supportive of me. Now, more than ever, I need be the strongest and most supportive for her. 

Panic in the Bedroom

It was supposed to be a really good day today. I, for some reason, was very stressed out last night. The Struggle I have with panic attacks is under control… most days. I do take some medication to help relax me. But there are some days where all I have to do is wake up and I know from the get go that it will not be a good day for me. Or, I will be shaky and not able to do certain things for fear of a panic attack. 

Today, I was supposed to go with my partner and best friend on a trip to the city to pick up his paycheck and then hang out. After getting insufficient sleep last night, I knew this morning would not be good. Not to mention that I had a panic this week and have been anxious lately due to that. He is usually the most understanding person when it comes to this stuff but today, he was not. It was actually very upsetting for me to know that he didn’t support me today. He even told me that I probably planned it and just don’t want to go for reasons he doesn’t know. I don’t get it, but that could not be more wrong. I just know my body more than anybody else and if I’m not feeling up to par than I know better to do something that might put me in a situation that I might regret. 

Hopefully the spirit of understanding and compassion will possess him. 

xx

Evening Shadows

The world is sad today. I look outside and there is gloom all around. Everything is tinted with a blueish hue, and the sky is gently crying. It is days like this that I find the best to stay in and relax with my lover. I am actually a huge fan of these kinds of days. The sort of days where I can reflect on where I am, how far I’ve come, and where I will be. These are three very important things in my opinion. It is important that we as humans always remain grounded no matter how bad, or how good things may be going for us. Every day is progress in some way or another, even if we are currently facing a downward spiral, the fact that we are living another day is in reality a privilege that many do not have. There are so many things we take for granted, and so many things that we overlook due to the standards set by society.

 

Killing Space and Wasting Time

So, as if inevitably, it happened.

I had literally just stepped out to go on my break. My boyfriend was there waiting for me, happily. It was a hectic day and things weren’t going so smoothly for my boyfriend at work so he was stressed, which in turn upset me because I don’t like to see him anxious. So, we sat and enjoyed each other’s company whilst on my 30 (minute break). Then my phone made its notification sound. I take it and check it and let out a small but slight gasp. It was my ex boyfriend, the one that I sometimes mention in these posts. At first I didn’t know because his number wasn’t stored under his name, but then it came back to me. It read:

“Hey there. Have any time for an old lover? :-p”

My jaw dropped. In that moment so many conflicting thoughts flew into my mind. “Should I respond? If I do should I be bitchy? Do I have a reason to be bitchy? It has been so long. Of course I should be bitchy!” etc, etc… Then my boyfriend grabbed the phone out of my hand and said, “I’m calling him.” Suddenly, everything stopped- the thoughts, the worries, the confusion; everything. He asserted himself and spoke. I’m pretty sure my ex got the hint.

Either way, I am not sure why he wanted to contact me after all this time. It doesn’t matter because shortly after I realized that NOT answering him was probably the best thing.

Sometimes, it’s better to leave things in the past. When I think of everything he did to me – all the harm in so many ways, there’s nothing he could say that could allow me to accept him back into my life in any way.

My Melody

As my man lay next to me asleep in bed in our apartment I can only seem to think about everything up until this point. I mean, great things are happening. We both got great new jobs (i’m leaving my current job because the management is completely corrupt and favorite based), I finished the vocals of my single and I even have a cover art, I opened a new bank account, etc etc etc… but something seems off.

It’s this time of the night where my mind begins to wonder and all of the fears that I hide oh so well come out to play; the thoughts that I wouldn’t want anybody to ever find. I will break this down.

My music. The label I am under as well as everybody on my team seems to be doing their best to try to get me as mainstream as possible which is the complete opposite of where I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, success is mainstream these days in music, but I am not making music for ANYBODY else but me. My music is a vocal journal. I write the lyrics, I write the hooks, everything. I hate all of this generic shit that is being released. Yes, it sounds great but it isn’t moving my mind in any way. I make the music to give a voice to my quiet mind and if people respond positively then that’s amazing but it isn’t my goal. My goal isn’t to be famous for the wrong reasons or anything like that. Who even knows if success in music is in my future? I sure don’t. What I do know is that I love it, and I take it very seriously. Every little detail of my vocals are thought out very carefully. Every breath you hear, every little crack, every off key note, every effect – is all purposely plotted out for a bigger purpose. Perhaps, maybe it’s a mockery of the seriousness of society, perhaps it is something less serious. But what I do know, is that when my music is released people will listen. I don’t care if the reviews are positive or negative, I just care that my mind is rightfully being heard.

I saw pictures of my ex boyfriend tonight while going through old photo albums with friends. My boyfriend was right next to me and when a picture came up we laughed it off; said how young I looked, what did I see in him etc etc.. but a piece of me actually fell back a little. When I saw his face again in those pictures I did not feel love or attraction… or even hate or disgust. I saw shame. Because how I could let this man do what he did to me – emotionally and verbally… I would never wish that even upon an enemy. It is the fuel for my lyrics, it is the fuel to be better than anybody else in everything that I do. He had such a large effect on me that I don’t even think he is aware of. I wish I never stood for his shit. But, I did grow from it and it’s scary to say but I wouldn’t be in the amazing place I am now if it weren’t for him.

I still wish it didn’t happen.

There are so many sides to me that I want to just write all about them but I won’t. I’m having a smoke then going to sleep.

Merry we part.

Run Away

Things come and things go, but everything is a lesson learned. Today, I was in the car with some friends and they were joking about kicking my friend out of the car. It reminded me of a time where I was in the car with my first love, Christopher. We were driving on college point blvd, and we got into an argument. Out of pure anger, I said “I would rather walk all the way home!” Being the sadistic and manipulative person that he innately is he said, “Okay, get out.” We were at a red light. I opened the door and left. I was stranded in an area that I wasn’t familiar with. I also was not in control of anxiety disorder at the time. I began to walk and cry in hysterics. Calling him non stop. By the time he answered he was almost on the express way back home to Brooklyn Heights. I was crying hysterically! “How could you leave me like this?” I remember saying through the tears. Eventually, he begrudgingly turned around and came to get me once I had walked almost all the way back home.

It made think of how foolish I was for allowing myself for all that time to be treated the way I was treated. For two years, I was emotionally and especially verbally beaten almost everyday. I can’t understand why I allowed it to happen all that time. Knowing Chris Rossi was knowing the Devil. I will never forget that pain.

In retrospect, it was all a lesson. Never to allow myself to be that fool once again and to treat all others with the love and respect that they deserve.